we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
she said if she won the lottery she'd fuck me... isn't that like government funded prostitution?
If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
Randomize
