apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.
Im drinking ciroc out of an ice cream cone... my night is going fantastic
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
how drunk are you?
Several
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
Randomize
