Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
she's like a sexy human version of my cat. i can't catch her, and she keeps throwing up in the corners.
He wants to take me instead of his girlfriend to the happiest place on earth... By that He meant Vegas. My morals are just loose enough to think this is a good idea
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
Sorry about my life...
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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