I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
I know it is almost summer when the students in my night class start showing up drunk.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
