awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
U were yelling that I wasn't generous or supportive. Then you kneeled and said this weird prayer about the windows and doors of your life.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
