Cold hands, warm shart.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.
I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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