Everything went well, until I walked into his bedroom and there was a Ronald Reagan poster watching over his bed - creepy
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Their children would look like the Michelin man and smell like chef Boyardee
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
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