I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
Randomize
