He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
Farmville is her only friend.
her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
I was talking to another guy at the bar last night and all of a sudden a flying piece of Sausage lands on my boobs. Then I hear my boyfriend yell, "just marking my territory."
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
Randomize
