so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.