Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
he just fucked me for my cheese.
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
