Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
The drunken tricycle race really added some class to the Tour de Franzia. Until everyone wiped out and started puking.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I have been referring to it as "thanks for getting out of me day" all week. Do you think they will still take me to brunch tomorrow?
I wish I could remember her name, I mean we fucked and all, but it woulda been nice to tag her in the instagram pics.
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Cheyanne in woods. Ducks attacked. My toe is bleeding. We are gpsing our way home on foot. No worries
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
Are we allowed to ho on the roof?
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