So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
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He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
I'm so hungover that I just wrote up my will because I'm afraid I'm gonna die. I'm leaving you my bong.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
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