I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
