i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Basically one minute I'm sucking on her nipples and then 45 mins later we're at work and she's my boss.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
Randomize
