I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
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You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
I vaguely remember Matt shouting something about "GET ON MY LEVEL!" at the bartender before he attempted to order a case of tequila from him.
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MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
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