Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Randomize
