Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
He sent me nudes and then a text asking if I tried the new Cantina Bowl from Taco Bell. He sure does romance right, doesn't he?
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
