I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
Every one of her profile pictures looks like an ad for American Apparel. Of course she has syphilis.
It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"
I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Randomize
