im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.
yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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