respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
i can't believe you just compared my dick to leprosy
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
I can check masterbating in China off the bucket list.
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