the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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