ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
I'm wearing red that night.
Noted, what shade?
Whore.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
she basically told me that her vine videos last longer that I do
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
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