Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
she's p upset bro
Where is he. I have a sword.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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