so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
All I learned from that experience was that drinking scotch out of a crunk goblet was bad news.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I think I am just gonna marry that lesbian. She is more of a respectful gentleman than any of the guys I've slept with.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
