please tell me I'm in your upstairs bedroom. Just google mapped myself and I have no idea where I am.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I'm home alone for the next hour and a half, I expect soup and and a willing attitude to do drugs from one of or both of you girls.....annnnnd go
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Randomize
