i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
the liver wants what the liver wants
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I may have taken the entire adderall. I FEEL LIKE THE FUCKIN HULK. I can't stop cleaning and organizing and doing the clean things
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
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