Well douche your snatch and let's go!
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
Randomize
