I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem
Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I don't intentionally mean to ruin relationships for personal gain but. Yeah nah I totally do.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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