Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Randomize
