Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
What's a really polite way of saying "you have gravely overestimated the value of your vagina?"
Randomize
