They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Definition of cool: he wants a back tattoo of three horses running through a "paisley explosion"
How did he even become this person? Like what drugs has he done??
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
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