I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
No more Irish car bombs ever.
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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