I'm so fucking centered right now
now i know why they say having sex with her is the equivalent to licking a pay phone
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I thought I was invisible, then some guy flashed his high beams at me and I realized my lights weren't on...not invisible.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
I don't know where I'm at. But I'm pretty sure what I'm looking at is a small bear.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
Randomize
