People with herpes should wear stickers.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
You would be successful and sober without me. you can't turn your bakon me now
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