I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
