Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
But I mean, have you ever just LOOKED at how majestic penises are? They are like ivory columns of pure wonder!
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Also your Swedish friend who's name I don't remember is really good in bed.
*Norwegian
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
