Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He looked at me like he knew me, and I looked at him like I had seen his penis before.
You were peeing on a bus yelling fuck public transit, congratulations.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
