Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
