i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Lost is over, my longest committed relationship is coming to an end.
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Randomize
