The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I said that I'm avoiding parties and guys, and the freshman girl just laughed
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
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