I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
she was throwing up and singing "I HAD a feeling that tonight was going to be a good good night." And yeah she was still in her dress.
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
The plus side of face planted at the tailgate was that no one could see my nipples hanging out.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I need you to perform a face transplant. Please remove your face from your accounting book and relocate it to where it's most needed - between my legs.
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone