Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
She said she didn't think she should have to shave either. Guess no shave November just became no sex November.
These 33 Eskimo Brothers Boinked The Same Person And Couldn’t Be More Proud
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
17 Inappropriate Things People Did With Instruments
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.