I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
