hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
ok i'm going to motor boat your sister now. ttyl
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?
That you did
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
Randomize
