Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
she looked like she should be chained to micheal vicks radiator
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Oh god I just realized bird face had che Guevara tattooed on her upper arm. Deals off, readivised opinion
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I am getting off work an hour early just to watch you drink. Never let it be said that I don't love you.
Randomize
