I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
