I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
tell me why they applauded then the bartender locked himself in the bathroom when i walked into the bar today ????
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
There is this threesome scene that is literally 10 minutes of straight fucking
Omg so it's educational?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I managed all three standard threesome configurations a female-bodied person can achieve in just under nine years. I want to high-five everyone involved, but I've lost touch with a couple of them
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
