Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
best friends dont let best friends get an STD of the eyeball just saying
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
