did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I wouldn't hate if he could handle a sex only type of ship. I really don't want to use the word "relation" in front of that.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
Randomize
