Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit
You had one beer and one beer can full of vodka and you took a huge gulp of one of them and called it Emily Roulette
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
Last night I went outside to our neighbors and asked them to put in money with me to get a hot tub for our patio. Niceeeee
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
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