o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus
How are you texting me from 1998?
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?