I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.
All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
just ran into my drill sergeant from basic 4 years ago. gonna take him home and have him fuck me at the cadence of quick time.