What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
His best friend walked in while we were banging, turned on the light, yelled BURN, grabbed his computer to play the Thunderstruck drinking game, turned off the light and left.
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
When I found her she was drinking wine out of a plastic bag in a bathroom stall, staring at herself in the mirror and crying hysterically. Cabo does things to a person...
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
Sex. Target parking lot. I really am the mayor.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
