I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
He whinnies like a horse when he's cumming. I wish I would have known this before we got into a relationship.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
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