i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
thats the last time I fuck a piece of fruit on camera for him.
You told him how lucky he was to be an elephant and kept trying to grab his "trunk"
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
