very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Pulling on my sock literally just took me 5 minutes.. The hangover is real
I need to stop waking up with no pants on.
what happened this time
I dont know everyone was gone and there was a bird in the room
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Dennis picked up a 50 year old woman. Then he and Dan got in a fight and jumped out of the limo. No one knows what happened to them.
Randomize
