i'm watching the fashion show on bravo
you're cheating on project runway?
if you can't score coke, you buy crack.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
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