this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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