True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
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