Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Hey! I need booze. And penises. And a lot of mistakes that I will regret in the morning.
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
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