Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was cut off by 8, I need to rethink this breakup therapy strategy
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
why do all the dudes in this porno look like billy ray cyrus
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
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