i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
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